i luv! : way back into love~

I’ve been living with a shadow overhead
I’ve been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I’ve been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can’t seem to move on

I’ve been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I’ve been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh…

I’ve been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I’ve been searching but I just don’t see the signs
I know that it’s out there
There’s gotta be something for my soul somewhere

I’ve been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I’m open to your suggestions

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I’m hoping you’ll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don’t know if it’s real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I’m hoping you’ll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I’ll be there for you in the end

-OST Music & Lyrics: Way Back To Love-

Of me and my selfishness: “marriage?”

Sumorg skang da sibuk² mau kawen..huu..tau la da final year..

aaa~

jgn tinggal daku sendiri~

’fae xmo kawen ke?’

Nice question..haha..

‘xmo..lagi’

Belajar pun tak lepas lagi ni..walaupun dalam hati ni nak kawen gak sebenarnya..tapi tak ready lagi..tapi nak keje dulu..tapi nak puas merasa merantau negeri orang dulu.. tapi nak puas enjoy hidup solo tanpa terikat ngan suami..tapi nak habiskan (or ringankan) tanggungjawab kat family dulu.. banyak sungguh tapi-nya..tapi, tapi yang paling penting, takde calon lagi..hehe

And yeah, tak kawen takpe, janji nikah..sbb nikah yang menghalalkan sume²nye..bukan kawen..huuu~

Marriage comes with a big responsibility..bukan sekadar cukup suka sama suke..bukan sekadar parents da bagi green light .. bukan sekadar cukup duit hantaran je.. bukan sekadar dah ready, dah ade keje, financial dah steady, dah mampu nak tanggung anak orang à laki la..pompuan xyah nak pecah kepala mane nak cari duit nak sara anak dara orang..nak kawen sangat, amek!..ingat senang ke kawen ni..haha..

Marriage is for a lifetime, insyaallah..bukan nak hidup sehari dua ngan dia..borink, cerai, cari lain.. YA ALLAH, jauhkan la sume tu.. seboleh²nya nak hidup ngan dia sampai menutup mata dan bile bukak mata, dia still ade kat sebelah.. dan cycle seterusnya sampai dah tak boley buka mata dah..

Dan nak carik orang yang kita boley share hidup bersama bukan senang..orang yang kite buley kongsi sekecik², seremeh-temeh benda sampai sebesar² benda bersama².. nak cari orang yang kite boley terima kelemahan dan kelebihan die..orang yang boley terima kelemahan dan kelebihan kite ( dan kegilaan, dalam kes aku..).. orang selalu nampak kelemahan sebagai satu kekurangan, tapi kenkadang tu kelebihan seseorang tu boley makan diri kite..contohnye?..kerana kelebihan die, kita mungkin rase rendah diri, insecure, or even demoralized..contonhye kalo die ensem, kite ni skadar bese2 je.. dia ramai peminat, kite ni sape la nak, die je..tak takut kah kalo pompuan yg jauh lawa dari kite nak ngorat die.. love is not just about look..tapi teringat cter Liar, Liar, bile anak Jim Carey kate “Inner beauty is the most important”, die jawab, “That’s what people with cow’s face said”..lol..penyataan yang kejam tapi itulah reality..rupa mungkin bukan priority no 1, kalo tak, tak kawen la org cam aku..huhu..but it’s still matters..takyah kate lelaki la, even pompuan kalo laki super duper ensem lalu, for sure terdetik kat hati,kagum..satu contoh kelebihan boleh bertukar menjadi kelemahan..

Contoh lain duit.. one of the most essential thing needed to live in this materialistic world.. kalo kawen, duit short je..nak bayar umah lagi, keta lagi, bil lagi, sampai makan tak lepas..financial problem..start la bergaduh.. even ade orang cerai sebab masalah kewangan.. tapi kalo ade duit banyak plak, start la berfoya²..main kayu beramai²..pun boleh jadi problem besar lagi..

So kesimpulannye?.. susah nak carik that one person that truly made for us.. the one.. soulmate.. true luv.. or wut ever people call them..

Tapi ade satu yang aku percaya (percaya kah?).. the one we end up with not necessarily our true love.. huhu.. cam pengaruh tengok drama banyak sangat je..haha.. but still, I hope I can found that one person in my life soon..very soon..

Cakap pasal calon nih.. ade doa untuk jodoh kan?

Ya Allah..
Seandainya telah Engkau catatkan..
Dia milikku tercipta buatku..
Satukanlah hatinya dgn hatiku..
Titipkanlah kebahagiaan antara kami..
Agar kemesraan itu abadi...

Ya Allah...
Ya tuhanku yang Maha Mengasihi..
Seiringkanlah kami melayari hidup ini...
Ke tepian yang sejahtera dan abadi..
Maka jodohkanlah kami...

Tetapi Ya Allah...
Seandainya telah Engkau takdirkan
Dia bukan milikku...
Bawalah dia jauh dari pandanganku...
Luputkanlah dia dari ingatanku...
Dan peliharalah aku dari kekecewaan...

Ya Allah ya Tuhanku yang Maha Mengerti...
Berikanlah aku kekuatan...
Menolak bayangannya jauh ke dada langit...
Hilang bersama senja yang merah...
Agarku sentiasa tenang...
Walaupun tanpa bersama dengannya;

Ya Allah yang tercinta...
Pasrahkanlah aku dengan takdir-MU...
Sesungguhnya apa yang telah Engkau takdirkan
Adalah yang terbaik untukku...
Sesungguhnya Engkau maha mengetahui...
Segala yang terbaik buat hamba-MU ini...

Ya Allah...
Cukuplah Engkau sahaja yang menjadi pemeliharaanku...
Di dunia dan akhirat...
Dengarkanlah rintihan dari hamba-MU yang daif ini...
Janganlah Engkau biarkan aku sendirian..
Di dunia ini walaupun akhirat...
Menjuruskan aku kearah kemaksiatan dan kemungkaran...
Maka kurniakanlah aku seorang pasangan yang beriman...
Agar aku dan dia sama-sama dapat membina kesejahteraan hidup...
Ke jalan yang Engkau redhai...
Dan kurniakanlah padaku keturunan yang soleh dan solehah...

Ya Allah...
Berikanlah kami kebahagiaan di dunia dan akhirat...
Dan peliharalah kami dari azab api Neraka...

Amin...amin...Ya rabbal alamin...

Suatu masa dahulu, aku penah berdoa, “YA ALLAH, kalau benar dia adalah jodohku, dekatkan lah hatinya pada ku dan aku padanya, kalau bukan die jodohku, jauhkan lah hati kami,”..pastu memang jauh hati pun..haha.. sah takde jodoh! ..Alhamdullilah..hehe..

(termode jahat la plak.. haha.. takpe.. aku doakan die bahagia dengan sesape je yang bersama die skang.. skang buley la gelak².. kalo dulu, ade secalit rase sedey, regret..ntahlah..aku tak reti nk describe.. tapi ntah kenape rase lega jugak.. mungkin sebab aku memang da rasa die bukan sanosuke dari awal lagi.. )

”cane nak rase?”

Erkss..to feel he’s the right one, that i dont know.. that is obviously bcuz I haven’t found ‘him’ yet ..but with time , somehow we’re able to feel sumthing tugging at the corner of our heart saying he’s not the one.. it felt as if sumthing is misplaced, like sumthing is missing, bcuz there is sumthing missing.. that is my personal pov..

And if sumhow, sumway, sumwhere, out there, I met a guy,yg lebey dari sorg kawan ( bukan mase terdekat ni la) .. this time takmo kuar berdua..kalo kuar pun, kuar ramai².. xmo g tgk wayang da.. xmo g mkn bfast ke lunch ke dinner ke dua².. takmo dating.. dan sangat² tak mahu physical contact.. even as little as holding hands..

My mom used to say, “ kalo lelaki tu betul² suka kite, sayang kite, die takkan pegang tangan kite pun walopun die nak sangat, apatah lagi nak amek kesempatan..sebab die tak nak bawak kite ke arah maksiat, die tak mahu kite berdose,”.. and till now I still believe in that.. that doesn’t mean I never go out with a guy, tho.. haha.. that was in the past anyway.. dulu, zaman muda remaja..sume bende nk mncuba..

So the conclusionnya, xmo kapel.. biar la sume membe kapel pun.. tak teruja lagi.. i’m happy for them if they’re happy.. harap² sampai ke jinjang pelamin dan seterusnya.. well, for me ?.. ade jodoh, insyaallah nikah terus .. xyah kapel².. xyah pening2 pale.. hehe..

i luv! : Drink It Down - L`arc~en~ciel

PV terbaru Laruku~

best!

free writing : senpai

Don’t call me up for an empty date
I wanna get through to you and get out of this state
Tokyo in the wintertime, as I walk on by
Hear the lights like a lullaby
It’s got the message that’s in the air
Count the colors, and colors beware

“Senpai”

I was shocked to see my high school senpai in the hospital corridor. For a second, he held the same expression as mine on his face. As he regained his composure, he continued to go on his way, as I wasn’t there. I do not know what I felt at that moment. There is no anger or hatred. Frustration, maybe. I have had liked my senpai for such a long time. I admit I felt quite frustrated when he acted as if we were total strangers. From that day, we had started a routine to run into each other way, going the opposite direction at the same corridor almost everyday.

I so wanted to be in your heart
I so wanted to be in your heart
But you wanted her and me on my own
You don’t know that it left another hole

She was like a big sister that I never had. Living away from family make me longed for someone to cling for. She was the reason I went to the hospital during my lunch hour. She always complained about how I look paler than she does. Even in her worst day, she still looks beautiful and lively, as she was not sick. She often jokes that if we change places the doctor may not notice it.

When she was discharged from the hospital, she asked me out on a dinner to celebrate. I was excited. It had been a long time since we had decent dinner together. As I was about to enter the restaurant, I saw her with my senpai. They seemed to get along very well. He was laughing. The first time I had seen since a long time ago. Are they seeing each other? Why there was not even a pinch of jealousy when I saw the both of them together? Am I really over him? What if I do not want to? I picked up my phone and told her I had to do a rain check. Later that night, he called me. Her condition had worsened.

When she told me about him during my frequent visits, I could see her eyes sparkle. I was relieved to know that they are not in such relationship. But it was obvious that she loved him. The way she talked about him, the way she looked at him we bumped into him, the way she smiled when he greeted her and as usual he ignore my existence, the way she laughed at his jokes, the same jokes that I used to tell him. She was totally immersed into him. Like I used to be.

Last night I wrote something like it’s more than pain
And secret numbness is all that remains
Tokyo in the summertime and night time blues
Go take some break, but don’t tell me what to do
It’s got the message that’s in the air
Count the colors, and colors beware

I was in a room full with books on the highest floor of an abandon building. This place held many memories of my senpai and me. We used to hang a lot at this place and he was always teasing me for easily immersed with a storyline. This place used to be so special. I really missed those times. I missed his jokes. I missed the way he looks at me. I missed his loop-sided grin. But most of all, I missed the senpai that I used to know not the senpai that I bump into almost everyday.

I so wanted to be in your heart
I so wanted to be in your heart
But you wanted her and me on my own
You don’t know that it left another hole

Suddenly, there he was, at the door, with anger in his face, demanding the reason I came back to this place. I was too surprised to answer. Shouldn’t he be at the hospital right now? Her operation was going to start in a few hours. As I opened my mouth to ask him, I felt the floor below me start collapsing. My senpai was still at the door looking at me with blank expression. We stare at each other for a while before the gravity pulled me down. I try to find something, anything to hold on. My senpai was still standing there motionless watching as I fall. I try to reach for him but he was to far away. The last word that I muttered was,

“Senpai”

Don’t run into summertime, it’s just nostalgia
Don’t run to summertime, it’s just the radio
The surface could be sweet but poisonous inside

I do not know how long I had wandered around the busy city. People were so busy rustling around, they hardly even noticed anyone but themselves. I try my best to follow their fast pace but a newsstand caught my attention. I reached for the newspaper, ignoring the look the owner of the newsstand gave to me. It was a picture of me, my pale body lying there between the ruined walls of the collapsed building. I was wearing the same sleeveless and black skirt I’m wearing now. He didn’t even try to save me. He just watched and let me die. He just watched me die. Watch me die. Don’t even try to save me. Watch me die. Watch me die. Watch me die. Then he probably went to the hospital to save her life. My heart ache at that thought. Am I better off dead to him? And that expressionless look on his face, it just hurt me more. Hatred. I wish I can hate him. I was at the edge of crying when a familiar word formed at my lips,

“Senpai”

Just get away with some old cliche
But when the words get life, it’s hard to say
You will never know how I felt inside
It’s got the message that’s in the air
Count the colors, and colors beware

I smile at the scene in front of me. The lake was as beautiful as it was before. The last time I came to this high school was seven years ago. I turn around when she tapped my shoulder. The smile on my face widen when I saw her eyes darting all around the place.

“This was his school?”

I nodded slowly leading her way to tour her around the school. I always wondered why she adores him. And it was clear when one day she told me during one of our girl’s night. When she was diagnosed with the sickness that runs in her family, her world went black. All the doctors seem to give up and she already feel like dying. However, when he was posted at the hospital, he gave her hope. He tried his best to cure her and he almost succeed. Her health starts to improve. Even though it took a long time, she can feel nothing but grateful. To her, he was a savior. Her savior. He tried his best to save all of his patients including her. But he just watched me die. I smiled bitterly at that thought.

I so wanted to be in your heart
I so wanted to be in your heart
But you wanted her and me on my own
You don’t know that it left another hole

As I glanced at the school for the last time, I wondered if my feelings were one-sided all along. That day was the same as any other day we see each other. When his face starts to lean close to mine, I was startled. My feelings were undefined. Confused? Yes. Surprised? Yes. Sad? No. Happy? Happy? No. Definitely no. When he leaned on closer and the tip of our nose almost touch with each other, I backed away as far as I can from him and look the other way around. Pretending nothing happened. I heard him muttered a ‘sorry’ under his breath. I usually ignore the fact that he accidentally touch my hand or accidentally brushed my face and even when he accidentally pulled me close to him. He was the only male that I opened myself to. Probably because I like him. He was special. But no matter how special he was, it was definitely wrong. If he were any other person, I would have already slapped him. We went through the rest of the day as nothing had happened. He laughed at my lame jokes and I pouted when he started teasing me. As usual as any other day we went out since we can no longer see each other as both of us had entered different college. That was the last day we saw each other before I met him again at the hospital. The latest news I heard a week later after our last meeting, he had gone steady with a college mate. After hearing the news, I know I had made the right decision. Come to think of it, my feelings were definitely one-sided all along.

I so wanted to be in your heart
I so wanted to be in your heart
But you wanted her and me on my own
You don’t know that it left another hole

I hugged her for the last time, knowing that we may not have the chance to see each other. She gave me a peck on the cheek. That is how we parted. However, before long, I heard she shouted my name. I looked back and saw her drifting away.

“I know I shouldn’t have told you this, but don’t you know why he never made it to the hospital?” She shouted at me.

I look at her, try to understand what she about to say.

“They found a body not far from yours.” She paused.

A body. Could it be?

“There’s a picture of you in his wallet”



--------------------------------------------------------->> my all time favorite sbb aku alami sendirik (mimpi ek..aku xmati lg)..ditulis zaman aku mula2 pindah v5 dulu..huhu..lame gler..dan senpai tu mmg adalah senpai yg aku penah suka..huhu..tapi peringatan: cter ni bkn cter idup aku..xde kaitan pun..kebetulan je dlm mimpi tu aku terbayang die tuh..


first and the only (wat mase nih) post aku kat kapasitor.net..hehe..and the feedback was alhamdullilah, mberangsangkn..walopon ade yg tanye ntuk clarify sesuatu yg dorg xphm..haha..susah nk pahamkah?..and just to add, aku x suka bg nama pada watak2 coretan aku..name yg salah bley bg impression yg salah..my one cent lah..

ah, yes!..credits for the inlet song, I So Wanted - Rie Fu..
lagu nih best..seyes!

free writing : mengenangmu

Kerispatih - Mengenangmu


Takkan pernah habis air mataku
Bila ku ingat tentang dirimu
Mungkin hanya kau yang tahu
Mengapa sampai saat ini ku masih sendiri


He cried. Again. He was tired of crying. He really was. But the tears keep flowing. Why is it had to hurt so much? Why the pain would not go? He felt as if he was stabbed all over but there was no blood. There used to but not anymore. Why did he had to found himself in this situation. All useless. Unable to move. Unable to hold her. Unable to see her. For the very last time. And at moment like this he pondered, why he was still alive and she was not.


Adakah disana kau rindu padaku
Meski kita kini ada di dunia berbeda
Bila masih mungkin waktu berputar
Kan kutunggu dirimu


If there was no motorcycle suddenly coming out of nowhere at the junction, he most probably will not need to dodge. He will not lose control over the car. They would not ramp over the road. They would not get stuck over tree before the gravity pulling them.


Biarlah ku simpan sampai nanti aku kan ada di sana
Tenanglah diriku dalam kedamaian
Ingatlah cintaku kau tak terlihat lagi
Namun cintamu abadi



She could be alive. She could be laughing at his words. She could smiled. If and only if.


Adakah disana kau rindu padaku
Meski kita kini ada di dunia berbeda
Bila masih mungkin waktu berputar
Kan kutunggu dirimu


If it was not raining. If he paid more attention to the road. He wanted to always look at her face and feels her presence, but now she had gone. Leaving him all alone. If only they went to nearby store. If only he asked a copy of the final exam papers from his friend instead insisting to photocopy them himself.


Biarlah ku simpan sampai nanti aku kan ada di sana
Tenanglah diriku dalam kedamaian
Ingatlah cintaku kau tak terlihat lagi
Namun cintamu abadi


All he wanted was to spend more time with her. This will be their last semester studying together. If he knew before hand, he would try to stop it with all his might. He never intended it turned to be this way. Not when she meant everything to him


Adakah disana kau rindu padaku
Meski kita kini ada di dunia berbeda
Bila masih mungkin waktu berputar
Kan kutunggu dirimu


Awake with pain all over his body, the first thing came on his mind was her. But being in coma for two weeks with two broken ribs and disoriented vertebrata, he was told to prioritize his treatments. No one had mentioned anything about her. With all his heart he had hoped that her injuries would not hurt as much as his. And he could never guessed that he was right all along.


Biarlah ku simpan sampai nanti aku kan ada di sana
Tenanglah diriku dalam kedamaian
Ingatlah cintaku kau tak terlihat lagi
Namun cintamu abadi


After a week, he was unable to locate her in the hospital. Worries started to bug him. He knew something was wrong when his father asked him to be ready for the worst and his mother sat beside him. By the time the truth was told, he felt the world went dark and sob took over him it was almost hysterical. The doctor and nurses were needed to tranquilize him.


Biarlah ku simpan sampai nanti aku kan ada di sana
Tenanglah dirimu dalam kedamaian


He was thankful she was not in enormous pain. He hoped she was not. But the way she died broke his heart. He was partly responsible after all.



Ingatlah cintaku kau tak terlihat lagi
Namun cintamu abadi


She died on the spot as the car hit the ground. She broke her neck and and her pelvis. The road was flooded with her blood as the rain was pouring heavily.


Biarlah ku simpan


If he were able to meet her somehow, he will tell her he was sorry. Sorry for everything. Sorry for not being able to protect her. Sorry for thinking he can go against what meant to be. Sorry for not accepting her death and made himself being pitiful.


Sampai nanti aku kekal selamanya


Reciting the last sentence of Yaasin at her grave, he prayed with all his heart, she will be resting peacefully. And if his time has come, he will be able to meet her once again.


Ingatlah cintaku kau tak terlihat lagi
Namun cintamu abadi …



a/n: based on a true story--> jiran aku..tp aku da modified2 sket..

This post has been edited by kucEn_siaM: Feb 11 2008, 12:03 AM


--------->> sumthing yg aku post kat k5 satu mase dulu..hehe ^^

free writings : home - part 1

something yang aku tulis time intern dulu..
time ni aku tgh frust --> pengakuan ikhlas..hehe..

hev a nice time reading ^^
____________________________________________________________________

There she was. She was relieved work had end. But she really hated it when she reached home. It never felt like home. Not anymore. Not when he’s no longer here. Not when she went back to that empty and dark house.

She always hated being alone. But that is how she lived for the past years. Alone and lonely. He never called. He never texted her. She wondered why the heck she still drags her feet to the empty house everyday after work. It is not like she doesn’t afford to rent another apartment far, far away from this house that most of the time reminded her about him.

“Because, honey, you really can’t afford it the way you live if it’s not for him”

She sighs out loud for her consciousness. How she hated him for giving her more than enough money to spend it recklessly and still is happy about it. Heck, she doesn’t even need to work at all except that it killed her to spend the whole day in the forlorn house. Why is it he never remember to call her or texted her, yet every month her account will be top up with a lump of money. Doesn’t he understand what the money can’t buy? Doesn’t he realize that she doesn’t need the money? Okay, she needs the money. She can’t live without money. Who can anyway? No money, no talk man. The point is, money is essential but it definitely can’t buy everything. But most of all, money can not bring him to be at her side when he needed him the most.

Like tonight. She stares emptily at her phone. Maybe he had forgotten. Maybe he did not even care. But can’t he at least pretend to care for just for tonight? With those amount of money his making, he certainly can afford to pay the bill. Even if he is too busy, he can always text her. How long will it take just to type a simple “Happy Anniversary”? To call or to text him first was not her option. She somehow grow tired of always been the one to take the initiative. Not only that, lately he didn’t even bother to return her calls or text her back. And that ‘lately’ have last for more than one year. She sigh out loud, frustrated.

Why am I still here, I could’ve moved on, couldn’t I?

The only thing that binds her to him is the platinum ring that stuck at her finger, hoping that he still wearing his. Stuck. She laughs at the word. How truthful that word is. There was a time she really wants to pull it from her finger and throw it away, but it stuck. She can’t take it off. No matter how hard she pulled. No matter how much soap liquid she washed her hand with till her hand all dried up. This was his doing. She is very certain of that. In her sleep, he probably slipped in a similar, but smaller ring to her finger. The laugh he gave away when she accused him was the ultimate proof.

“Missy, now you’re mine, forever. Even the ring is agreeing with me”

Missy. He had always called her that. From the first day they met at her parents’ house. Once, she asked him

“Why Missy? You can always call me Sayang or Dear or even Dinda,” She almost laughed at the last word she uttered. Ewww.Geli la plak.

“Because you’re messy, Missy,” he said, attempting to keep a straight face.

At those words, she really felt like she has the urged to smack him down. Luckily he is much much taller than her. She’s a tall person herself, standing at 5’6” but compared to 5’11” person like him, it would likely her to be smack down, if there were any attempts made.

How she missed those times. The time that he was here. The time she can feel him. See him. Hear him. Touch him. How may years have it passed? Living without him, she wondered how she survived. Maybe she lived to comfortably to be relying everything on him. And she cursed him for that, for pampering her too much that she stumbled when she have to face the world herself. She had live fine, more than fine before he came. She thought she’d be fine too. She had lived well before, definitely she can live well after too, right? But after sometimes, she knew she was wrong, big time.

Another stressful day with another mountain of works. Being back at the forlorn house just add up the depression. She yet sigh another sigh. Something red catches her eyes. And a lot of them. What could it be?

__________________________________________________________________

jeng3x.. TBC~

of me and my selfishness: sleep, another version

ni version len ntuk 'if i can sleep a thousand years'..
tp baru de draft..
nant2 aku update ek..

first draft on 29/2/2008

if i can sleep a thousand years
in hope it'll drain my tears

....
(missing text: xpk lg..heh)
...

Dear God, save me from my death
lay out there some unknowing path
that i wish i could have gait (stroll/stride/gait/walk/go through/past through)
and put my life as bet
if only i have the gut

if i can close my eyes and let myself fall
if i can let go and forget all
if i can cry behind this thickening wall
will all these quandaries fly
as the time passes by?

Dear God, i'm scared
will i suffer (pain) when i'm dead


ngarut je sume nih..hehe..takpe2..nant akan di update..